Tank's Empty

 All I can even ask is who am I?

I feel so empty.  There is nothing inside.  The outside is all happy and smiling and full of 'I would love to helps' but there's nothing in.  When people ask how you are, 99% of the time it is just conversation.  No one really cares.  I literally cannot remember the last time I actually had something of interest to say or have a conversation about.  

Best case, I get a grunt and a pick up the phone.  Worst case is I am speaking to air.  I feel my mouth moving, I hear my words, but there is absolutely no substance there. I'm like a chihuahua. Yap Yap.  Why don't I learn to just stop.  It makes zero difference.  Conversations go much better when I just listen.  Obviously I need to work on that skill.  There is no reason to try and relate.  Then I interrupt.  Stop thinking about the next thing you will be saying.  Just actually listen.  Then maybe you can come up with something of importance.  Maybe you should read more.  They say reading creates intelligence... 15 minutes before bed.  But not a book of interest or you'll read too much and then stay up too late and be tired.  The new day is all I have going, can't start that off on the wrong foot.  

So I made a great supper, delish.  Kids loved it.  Conferences went well.  See, awesome.  Chatted with teachers at the end, overstayed that conversation.  You were not really cool or funny, their faces ended the conversations, should have left about 2 minutes before you did.  Better luck next time. Need to remind kids they are not responsible for making me or dad happy.  Seriously, I know Im fucking them up.  Phone down, focus on them.  How can they be so big and now I can't even fix all the mistakes I have made.  Need to correct mistakes now.  Don't make anything worse.  Support, positive words.  

Play tonight - keep joking - never have I been so excited to go and watch a child's event and hope I don't see my child.

Angry voice this am, when misheard the question.  I swear I am not this stupid.  Then a grunt.  I'll just stay out of the way, no need to be a part.  

And I lied.  The outside is not all happy.  It is always horrific, regardless of effort.  The last compliment or not even compliment, noticeable anything, was my 11 year old. 3 weeks ago. Before that, I honestly don't even remember.  Oh, yeah, coach at VB banquet.  Funny thing - told hubs, literally no comment.  Then later apologized that I feel like I never look good. Now I'm trying to collect pity.  Loser.  How is it someone can be so invisible in their daily life?   It's only when I cross the line into annoying that I'm seen.  Is that good?  Doubt it.  Just stay focused, get your stuff done and it will come.  

Goals for today - I'm going to shower.  I will look nice and put together.

Weekend - busy being a helper and a driver.  Will look nice, put together, full of fun and laughter and not be embarrasing.  Gather rest of work grant information - finally get hubs to call Erik.  Complete it.

Next week focus - find boring book to read 15 minutes every night.  Will stop being lazy and get up for the gym before work.  Shower 2x/week, don't be lazy.  

    Crap. Thanksgiving - well, that too. Be super awesome.  Thanksgiving meal at inlaws. Have it together, plan, make a list.  Don't be a spaz.  It will all work out.  Listen, listen listen - there is no part of you that will have anything to contribute to that conversation.  Lake?  again, listen.  No way to break into that circle.  Just be happy to have a good night - it'll be so much fun.  You are not dead inside.  You are full of life and happiness.  Just show it on the outside.  As D would say, manifest it...